Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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