Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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