my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
