It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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