Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
