His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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