I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
