dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
