I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
