apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My penis needs a shock collar
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize