Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
