My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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