we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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