you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize