we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
