Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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