Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
