Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
