Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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