ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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