I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
