Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
