Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
