What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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