I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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