nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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