this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
