lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
