I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
