they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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