i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
