we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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