Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
