i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
