The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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