Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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