the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
