this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
