I heard we made out
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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