I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
