a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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