I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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