The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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