she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
