i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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