so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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