just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
