I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I want her autograph on my taint
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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