I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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