No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
