at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
