so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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