Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
