So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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