but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
