Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Randomize
