Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize